U.K.’s Fortnitemare

America has the opioid epidemic.  In Scotland, the cocaine.  But for a handful of Premier League football clubs, it’s Fortnite.

That’s right, the videogame that stormed onto the scene in 2017 has not only captured the hearts and minds of countless fans around the world but is now sucking away at the skills and souls of a number of football’s top studs.

From Manchester to Burnley, Tottenham to Arsenal, it has become routine for these gents to spend sixteen hours a day in front of the screen with the online sensation.  With eye strain, fatigue, hand and additional body cramps, one might say that sitting in a chair all day is more of a strain than performing on the field for ninety minutes.

And according to one student of the footie, who wishes to remain anonymous, “It’s better than sex!”

Health professionals have come out in force, likening the wave of addiction to a slew of drugs that currently run rampant throughout Europe and the U.K.  Doctor Richard Longwood, who’s been on the heels of this madness since the beginning, cites his worry over the desensitizing effect the animated saga is having on society.

“Zombies, we’re turning into f***ing zombies!” he said.  “Everyone’s high on it, like in the eighties, but at least I was enjoying the rush back then.”

“Zombies, we’re turning into f***ing zombies!” he said.  “Everyone’s high on it, like in the eighties, but at least I was enjoying the rush back then.”

If only the madness ended with body cramps, sexual satisfaction, and the fear of undead mutation.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t.

Not three days after Prince Harry came out in a rage against the game, citing it’s “irresponsibility,” not to mention calling for the banning of it, a lot of football players, including Tottenham’s Dele Alli, Arsenal’s Mesut Ozil, and England’s very own Kieran Tripper, were arrested.

The players were pulled over in a caravan after being waved down by a copper for a busted taillight.  The policeman immediately noticed how violently nervous the driver and passenger seemed and requested they step out from the unit.

“Upon their exit, one of them (later confirmed as Ozil) tried to take off in great haste,” Officer Rasshole said following the incident, “so I threw my baton, striking him in the middle of the spine, and he was incapacitated.  I turned to the other boys and told them they were dealing with Rambo.”

After subduing the additional personnel in the van, Rasshole called in for backup.  Within ten minutes he was swarmed with additional units. Didn’t take long for their daring raid of the empty caravan to bear fruit; buried within the walls and floor of the motor-home were dozens of assault weapons and ammunition and explosives.

“Without a doubt, this was a Fortnite-inspired plan of hostility,” Chief Inspector Furbush explained in an interview.

In addition to the vast array of weapons of mass destruction, blueprints were found in the dashboard of the vehicle.  In great detail, it was explained how the men planned on taking over and levelling Buckingham Palace as a result of Prince Harry’s condemnation of the game they loved so much.

“His attack on our game is an attack on our lives,” the men would later say in a group statement.  “We must stay strong and united, an attack on one is attack on us all!”

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